We pack our wicker hamper, sandwiches in triangles, crunchy apples, a flask of lemonade.
Set out for a day. An imaginary day. Away.
Lay out the best rug, in our garden,
no further. Not yet, not today,
The sun is warm and we dream of
days past, days yet to come,
Of all the places we will go, the faces we will see.
Of the warmth we will feel. On
The rain came in sheets
slicing through the sky
Cutting through the night
without a thought
for a small while
I forgot you, and the hurt
you left within me,
a file of memories
that will not close, will not leave
The music stopped play
and in the silence that fell
I was left, alone
If the tears
the pain isn’t
If you catch them
before they fall
I wake, angry
the skies outside calm.
The air still. The day easy.
I long for the rain to fall.
I should be sleeping. I turn the radio on. Listen to the songs, any songs to kill the silence that aches all night. To ease my restless mind. My broken heart. I close my eyes, clench my teeth. Focus on the noise. Breathe in and out. Heart races as the song ends, dreading the silence. The final punch…the last beat…to nothing…Still. I crack. Weakened. Next song. A little longer. I hope.
Close to midnight my mind is busy, too busy. Tumbling and turning. Writhing around. A nest of thoughts tangled, tugging.
Time to pause.
I know I should pause.
But the tug is there. The mess is waiting. Pulling at my mind.
I can’t sleep. I still can’t sleep.
I go to the garden, sit on the swing. A chill catches me. I swing into the night. Reach for constellations, patterns I know well.
I swing, legs not touching the floor. Reaching for the stars. Searching for something. Not ready to land.
If I land. I fall. Trip up on my own thoughts. They wrap me up, pull me down. Too much. Tonight. I swing. In, out, up, down. I push myself harder, reach higher. Tears roll down my face. My fractured heart aches.
The stars fade. The sun breaks. Another tired day.
I think of you in the sunlight. Spring breaks. Tears fall. I weep as another year passes. Another day goes by. The day mild, the air warm. My heart still cold, without you.
I scrape charred bread. The sound grates. Crumbs fall in the bin. Lost. I spread raspberry jam on the remains of my burnt toast. I bite. Chew the mistakes around. Smile when the sweet raspberry hits. Slowly swallow. Dry crumbs scratch my throat. I cough. Hurt. Grimace as I keep on eating. The cover up wasn’t worth it.